Top Five: Atrocious Accents


It’s difficult to assassinate the acting ability of a public figure without resorting to libel, so for the sake of goodwill, let’s pretend that the shockers below were caused by a wide range of extraneous variables. Awful weather, poor sound recording equipment, too many Christopher Walken movie-nights on set; these are all definitely more plausible than, say, an overpaid actor/actress not sufficiently preparing for the role or, even worse, not giving a shit. Trying to come up with voice puns here, but can’t think of anything, so might have to resort to the thesaurus or the DICTIONary. Hahaha, diction!

5. Angelina Jolie in Alexander (2004) – Eastern European, Californian, Irish, Lara Croft; they all come together here to create Angelina Jolie’s vastly varying vocal performance, itself just one crumbling pillar in the desiccated acropolis that was Oliver Stone’s Alexander.

4. Sean Connery in The Hunt for Red October (1990)… and basically anything he’s ever done where he wasn’t playing a Scotsman – As Typhoon commander Marko Raimus(ch), S(ch)ean Connery out and out butchers(ch) his(ch) (ch)suppos(ch)edly Russ(ch)ian ac(sh)cent. Pronunciation? More like Pro-none-ciation!

3. Eli Roth, Omar Doom and Brad Pitt in Inglourious Basterds (2009) – This one’s intentional (obviously), but hilarious all the same. This trio of American Nazi-scalpers have managed to infiltrate not just the eagle’s nest but the very roost of the Reich. Their cover? They are Italian filmmakers, come to enjoy the première of ‘Stolz der Nation’, Germany’s greatest propaganda war film. ‘A rear var derchy!’

2. Al Pacino in The Local Stigmatic (1990) – There’s not much to be said here, you just have to watch the clip and pray that you’ll get the Stigmata before you’re ever forced to see this whole film.

1. Shia LaBeouf in Nymphomaniac (2014) – Lars Von Trier is the prince of controversy, spreading rumour and scandal from Cannes to Le Mans, but his four hour SnM-filled magnum opus, Nymphomaniac, has been completely overshadowed by Mr LaBeouf and his earth shatteringly terrible English accent. Even Shia himself looks disbelieving as each mangled word leaves his mouth, but it’s proved to be an excellent career move for the 27 year old; the people are loving it and his star rating is through the bag.

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