Chalk it! – Star Walls: Episode V4 – A New Rope


(Video Warning: Rest In Pieces Headphone Users)

 All resemblances to intellectual property of Lucas Arts/Disney are purely coincidental/accidental, whichever of the two sounds better. Song name: Dank Wars by ‘ayyy donkey’. 

Darth Sender Combines Training with Interrogating: it’s Intertrainingating. 

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The all powerful Darth Sender, top ranked climber in the Sendpire’s stable of athletes, doesn’t limit his crushing to the rock walls. He knows his way around a windpipe, too. In a bid to improve his left handed grip (definitely the weaker of his two hands, though still superhuman), Sender crimps a Dirtbag groupie by the throat and raises him up from the ground for reps, building wrist stability, bicep definition, and deltoid stability, while at the same time extracting the required beta from this lowly campsite dwelling stoner. Once the dirtbag layabout tells Sender how to pass through the crux on Tantive V.IV, Sender will be able to track down his stolen ropes.

Arete2-V2 is Captured by the Jugwas

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Prized droid Arete2-V2 has always been much coveted by the lesser climbing collectives, who lust after his remarkably technologically advanced chalk dispensing abilities. Throw lumps of crude rock into his lid, and he spurts out 100% high grade sweat-cancelling dust of purest white. With the Dirtbag Alliance in disarray, the cave-dwelling Jugwas of the (Generic)Tattoo(OfSomeNatureShit)ine desert wastes seize their chance to steal this priceless metal Sherpa.

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#WorldStarWarsHipHop #Merked

Not content to stay hidden in the arid glens of their craggy homeland, the Jugwas have spent decades constructing a gigantic mobile community where they can all hang out and soak up positive vibes while sailing the  desert seas in search of sweet virgin rock walls and the elusive carrot cake flavoured Clif bar.


Modeled inch for inch after the outdoor climbing facilities of The Castle Climbing Centre in Stoke Newington, the Jugwa stronghold has tricked many a wandering Dirtbag into setting up camp beneath, only to be ambushed late at night by the mini-marauders when falling asleep  after that tenth hit of weed they smoked out of a beer can with holes poked in it.


 “That’s no bouldering wall…”

C3P(ocket)(H)O(ld) is Disqualified for Cheating


Intergalactic climbing competition rules are very clear when it comes to the robot/nobot divide: Androids cannot climb in the same division as humanoids. This stipulation is a fair one – after all, how can muscles and tendons possibly last out against the endurance of metal and tesla coils? – but year after year the leagues are riddled with computerised cheaters, who dupe judges and opponents by transforming into un-tin-canny representations of men and women.

Now, the Intergalactic Climbing Competition Corporation has to run a Turing test on top of the mandatory steroid screenings. Advancements in AI programming mean that, nowadays (nowadays meaning a long time ago and really quite far away) the gap between homo sapien and robotic brain is nigh on imperceptible. Which is why C3P(ocket)(H)O(ld) got away with it until now. If his arm hadn’t ripped off from the torque of his attempted 35 foot one handed dyno, nobody would have guessed that he was a robot in disguise. You may well frown upon these underhand tactics, but how else is the Dirtbag Alliance to stand a chance against the Sendpire, whose undetectable top of the range performance enhancing drugs and monetary support from leading climbing brands puts them head and sculpted shoulders  above the competition. All the Dirtbags can do now is dust themselves off and prepare their robot for the next stage.


Skychalker and Free-Solo in Training

Leading the way for the Dirtbag Alliance climbers are Luke Skychalker and Han Free-Solo, who put themselves through an arduous training camp at high altitude season after season. High in both senses; not only do they climb at ozone layer above sea level, but they also smoke weed everyday to get their lungs and their brains in peak performance mode.


Did you see that?! They pulled themselves up through a vent! They must have been training for months!

Slopey Wan Kenobi struggles to keep up with the younger generation’s fitness regime, as he lacks the dynamic power of his youth – though the Dirtbag’s hold him in great regard for his vast mountaineering experience. Chewbackpacker, on the other hand, is just a fat uncoordinated waste of space. He’s sort of like the Dirtbag’s waterboy. Or oilboy, for the robot climbers.

Free-Solo Installs a Makeshift Pull Up Bar 


There’s always time for a few pull ups as far as these Dirtbags are concerned. Unlike the pampered Sendpire, with their smith machines, personal trainers, energy gels, and thrice daily happy ending sports massages, the rough and ready climbers of the Alliance train anywhere and everywhere like they just don’t care. “The whole galaxy is my gym!”, Free-Solo once said in an interview for well known YouniverseTube natty climbing channel Asteroids Free, before scaling a 25,000 ft mountain which was alive and tried to eat him multiple times.

Slopey Wan Kenobi’s Showcases his Death Defying Traversing Abilities


Keeping his hips close to the wall and practising masterly footwork to stay safe, the wizened elder of the Dirtbag Alliance climbing team evades detection from the Sendpire henchmen out on patrol. While they discuss the magnesium quality of their preferred chalk brands, and grumble about the impracticability of liquid and bagged chalk given the emergence of virtual antiperspirant gripping powders, Slopey Wan edges carefully and with utmost grace towards the control hub of the whole Sendpire operation.


Slopey Wan powers down the Death Brah’s central heating. The entire moon-sized indoor climbing gym will now be well below room temperature heat. This means Sendpire climbers’ muscles will keep getting cold between routes, making them much more prone to injury. The playing field is level once again.

Swinging to Freedom with A New Rope


Princess B.Leia has served the Dirtbag Alliance well. Her stunning beauty keeps up morale among the male climbers – almost all of whom are her brothers, cousins, sons, and son-sons (sometimes referred to as double-suns, or Tattooine Son-Sets, it’s when you have a son with your son) – and her keen interest in the latest frontiers of climbing gear enabled her to find out about and subsequently steal the Sendpire’s New Rope. And what a rope it is! Not only can it support the weight of a medium-sized planet, but it self-knots on contact, meaning there is no need for clips and bolts and all that other annoying gear, ever again. Just throw it at, like, whatever, and get to climbing.

The Dirtbag Alliance Beats the Sendpire in the 200k16 Boulderverse Comp!


Podium time for the medal winners of the Inter-GaLacticAcid Sport Climbing Comp. Take a bow. A crossbow that is. That is, take your crossbow and massacre all of these smug fuckers, Chewbackpacker. It’s not your fault your massive body weight and thick, matted hair makes elite crack climbing untenable, resulting in your placing last. How do you pull a trigger when you’ve got paws instead of fingers, by the way?

The (s)End

Until time next, may the with you be force Yoda.

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Like the Book of my Face, you Will.

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